Starting Couples Counseling
Whether you are starting couples counseling for an ongoing issue that is causing you to feel stuck or for proactive reasons such as premarital counseling or family planning, I applaud your courage. There is no playbook or one size fits all solution. Couples counseling takes on many forms. Are you and your partner in agreement to start counseling? Are one of you attending because you feel forced? Are you tired of repeating the same cycle? Would individual counseling be helpful?
Let’s explore what to expect in couples counseling.
In couples counseling I usually meet with the couple together to get an idea of what has brought them to therapy. In some cases, depending on the presenting issues, I will then meet with each partner for an individual session. Then we will start the counseling process together. I may give the couple The Sound Relationship House Questionnaire (Gottman and Gottman) after the first session. This helps to get an idea of the shared meaning in the relationship. Including topics such as compromise, fondness, admiration, perpetual vs. solvable issues, repair attempts, emotional engagement, appreciation, hopes and dreams.
We all give and receive information in different ways. Couples often have a mismatch in these styles. And that is ok. Learning each of these styles is helpful because we can alter the way we communicate. Likewise, we all have different conflict styles. One partner may be a pursuer while the other is avoidant. Identifying your partner’s communication and conflict style while exploring your own is a step toward successful communication. Learning what we need in times of conflict can aid in a more peaceful resolve. Or at the least, help move towards effective communication.
It is easy to get caught in unhealthy patterns and unproductive cycles. When we begin to feel stuck and hopeless it may be time to seek counseling. Exploring communication and conflict styles can be eye opening. When one partner needs to walk away from a disagreement it can make the other partner feel ignored or abandoned. On the other hand, when one pursues and continues the argument because they need an immediate resolution, it can leave their partner feeling unsafe or wanting to shut down. Learning strategies to meet both needs can aid in conflict resolution.
Oftentimes in counseling, things may seem to feel worse before they get better. This plays a big factor in why some choose not to continue counseling. Who wants to leave a counseling session feeling worse than when they walked in? Unfortunately, this may be part of the work. Another reason for ending counseling prematurely is when one partner feels as though they are being “ganged up on.” It is important for the counselor to allow space for a client to raise their hand and communicate this feeling. It is also important for the counselor to check in with clients regarding their safety in the counseling session.
My hope for couples is that they can learn effective communication not only in daily life but during conflict. My hope is for couples to learn to stop hurting each other. To show appreciation and gratitude. To give compliments and increase connection. Understanding the way one shows love and appreciation is helpful. Working on ourselves can be the best gift for our partner. Working as a couple can be even more rewarding.